Gulag Springs

Free-market greetings!

Are you worn down by the capitalist excesses of your society? Do you long to return to a time when you could enjoy the simple pleasures of life?

Visit Gulag Springs Hotel and Resort! Located on the banks of Lake Volgograd in Eastern Siberia, Gulag Springs seamlessly combines the beauty of this lovely region with the ascetic and desolate elegance of the old Soviet Union.

After being subject to decay and neglect for more than a decade, Gulag Springs has now been lovingly and meticulously restored to its glorious state from the time of Stalin's purges.

Once available only to the intellectual, political, and military elite of the Soviet Union, the opulent and extravagant deprivations of Gulag Springs Hotel and Resort are now open to all!

In the morning, tone yourself to death under the watch of one of our certified manual labor trainers with a soul cleansing shift splitting rocks in our granite mine, where you will feel all of life's worries falling away with every chip of stone.

Move on to a stunningly refreshing stop in our self-serve communal shower spa, where water like shards of ice will remind you of the tepid, frozen pond where your mamushka washed you as a child!

After that, move on to a luxurious culinary experience in our award winning dining hall, where comrade #586739678432454569060827495 continues to astound the commonwealth with his virtuosic mastery of gruel!

And of course, at Gulag Springs we cater to the mind as well as the body. After your morning regimen, indulge in the many re-education classes at your disposal. Join comrade Mikhail Gorbachev as he teaches you to unleash the Communist Chairman within! Let Yakov Smirnoff beguile and inform you during his class "Career Transitions: What to do When Communism Jokes No Longer Pay". Learn how to overthrow a royal family with intrigue and treachery in "The Big Coup: Unlocking the Secrets of Rasputin"!

Lacking inspiration in your life? Find it in the same halls that Solzhenitsyn trod! For a small extra fee, you can even stay in the same room he did, keeping track of the passing of your splendid vacation on the calender he etched in the walls with his very own hands!

How exclusive is Gulag Springs? So exclusive that Josef Stalin (may he rest is socialist bliss) sent thousands of his closest and most capable friends here on all-inclusive packages for life! How did we ever keep this prestigious hideaway a secret from the masses? Often, guests would be be whisked away in the luxurious trunk of a Yugo by the KGB, thus preventing Gulag Springs form being inundated by the Proletariat hordes.

Tired of taking vacations that leave you longing for more vacation? Gulag Springs is the answer! We guarantee that after a week of our special VIP treatment, you will be longing for a return to your former life!

Don't delay! Call me to reserve your quadrant now!

Sincerely,

Ivan Tupelov

Owner, Gulag Springs Hotel and Resort