Au Contraire, My Dear Fellow

Dear friends,

Living as I do, in a small town, I am often privy to the types of small town charms that cause people to reminisce about yesteryears, and often, realize why they moved out of their small towns and into the city.

I was recently in the local drug store, and was witness to this exchange between a fairly cantankerous older gentleman, and one of the pharmacists; it went something like this:

Gentleman: "What's taking so long?"
Pharmacist: "You just have to be patient, sir."
Gentleman: "Why can't he hurry up?"
Pharmacist: "Sir, you'll have your order shortly.
Gentleman: "I can't believe this service!"
Pharmacist: "Just settle down please, sir".
Gentleman: "I can't believe this! Maybe he could go a little faster if he cut his hair!"

The man then went on to tell the pharmacist that, by golly, they were going to be run out of business once the Walgreen's is completed. Overall, a rather charming exchange. Oh, and it's also important to note that the guy who found himself on the receiving end of this abuse had really long hair.... about an inch longer than mine.

After witnessing this unprovoked attack on the speed of long haired people everywhere, I feel the need to respond and reveal that, au contraire, my dear fellow, ample historical evidence contradicts your assertion. History is full of speedy, long haired people.

1. Samson: This Old Testament bone crusher used the power and speed he gained from his extensive locks to kill a thousand Philistines... in one battle... with a random jawbone he found lying on the ground. Yikes.

2. Mercury: This speedy dude was the messenger for the gods until he went into retirement and started making brawny American cars instead. Knowing Zeus's temper, and his affection for hurling lightening bolts when he didn't get his way, it is safe to assume that Mercury was very, very fast.

3. Florence Griffith Joyner: Flo Jo toasted competition on the track with long hair flying in the breeze, even managing to keep her six inch, glittery fingernails intact. 'Nuff said.

4. Yngwie Malmsteen: Molten shards of triplet-laced guitar riffs fly from this man's guitar. If you actually know who this guy is, than you may have, at some time, been subjected to one of Peter's soliloquies on guitar shredders. Many apologies.

5. Jesus Christ: Jesus managed to emerge from the tomb a mere three days after his death, and that was including a stop-over in Hades. A lot of people try to come back from the dead and never work it out; Jesus did it in three days. That's fast.


Speaking of drug stores, what's up with greeting card selection these days? Hallmark is aspiring to give every card such a personal touch that they are starting to squeeze one particular genre of card right out of the market; the ambivalence filled have-to-send-it card. I mean, What card do we buy for that person who we're not particularly fond of, but are contractually required to buy a Christmas card for due to outdated social imperatives? They don't fall under the category of being a friend, relative, wife, husband, or object of torrid obsession, so what are we supposed to do? Do we really want to send them a card bursting with more saccharine than my sugar free Bubble Yum? I don't think so. A letter writing campaign will follow briefly.

Well, the results concerning how many times to say thank you to somebody when they open two consecutive doors for you have come in, and there are several suggestions I received to choose from.

1. Give a robust "Thank You!" the first time, and then a mumbled "Thank you" the second time. This is probably how I do it most of the time.

2. Give a robust "Thank You!" in English after the first door, and another robust "Thank You!" in a foreign language after the second door. You choose the language, but be warned, simply switching accents does not count.

3. Give a robust "Thank You!" after the first door, kick the person, and then run off laughing. Um, yeah, you might not want to make a habit of this one.

Warm regards,

Peter