Dear Friends,

Every once in awhile an event occurs that reinforces the ironic duality of human existence, and fills me with the glee of knowing I once again have an appropriate situation in which to use the phrase, “ironic duality of human exexistence".

The latest event involves our very own Anne Marie, and several unsolicited calls from a stranger named Steve. Now, being that Anne Marie is DJ AM, the legendary clearinghouse for all local party information, and very often, the source of those parties, the fact that she is getting calls from strangers is no surprise; the surprise in this matter is that Steve is a resident of a Dane County Correctional Facility.

DJ AM and I were hanging out on Saturday night, and she had just explained this series of bizarre calls to me, when suddenly she received another! You pick up the phone, a recording kicks in saying that it's a no charge call from a Dane County Correctional Facility, and then Steve announcing himself. Unfortunately, Steve didn’t stay on the line when I answered, “Hello, this is Anne Marie”. In light of these continued calls, I feel the need to address Steve directly. No, I don’t have his e-mail address, but we’ll just assume that Steve has moved on to monitoring the e-mail of all of Anne Marie’s friends, and will, therefore, read it while he’s perusing one of our accounts.

Dear Steve,

The phone calls have to stop, man. Now, you may not think my words have any cred here, but believe me, I know what you’re going through. I’ve seen the world from the inside of prison walls, and it’s not pretty. Okay, so, I saw the world from the inside of Oak Hill, a minimum security facility that didn’t have walls, but that’s beside the point. What I’m trying to say here, is that I know how you feel, and believe me, Steve, I am the last one to doubt the true connection you can have with somebody when you’re flipping through the phone book and suddenly find that your finger has alighted on the eight point, times new roman font of that special someone’s name. I mean, who am I to doubt that love, one of the most powerful forces in this world, would be unable to connect two people in spite of the miles, sealed entrances, reinforced steel quadrant dividers, county jailers, and prison bars that separate them. Having said this Steve, I’ve got to tell you, Anne Marie just isn’t into you.

Now, as I see it, there a few possibilites as to why you feel the need to continue calling our good friend:

1. The Correctional System Has Failed You:
Yes, perhaps the correctional system has failed to correct you, and you've hit rock bottom so many times that you think the only thing that can save you anymore is the love of a good woman.

2: You're Having An Existential Crisis:
That's right Steve, maybe you've become a Taosit and started doubting the reality of your own existence. After picking up a copy of the "Tao Te Ching" from from the prison library, you're convinced that that the only way to concretely prove your existence to yourself is to find your polar opposite... the wonderfully virtuous Anne Marie.

3. You've Heard Stories About "The Virgin Vault"
Yes, Steve, it's true that Anne Marie did live in the all female Regina dorm at Edgewood, ironically titled "The Virgin Vault", and there have probably been stories about this mythical place circulating around prisons for the past decade. Sorry to dissapoint you, but despite the fact that Anne Marie was a Regina girl, she's wasn't that sort of Regina girl. No matter what you may have heard about the place, only about sixty percent of the girls who live, or have lived there, are into convincts.

Anyway, Steve, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how many "STV&AM" license plates you manufacture as gifts for her in the prison shop, she's not going to be into you, so you might as well stop calling.

Sincerely,

Peter