Suit Jacket Evolution

Dear friends, and fellow curiosos,

I was at the Monona Terrace a couple of Sundays ago, fussing myself up (apparently that's an old equivalent to getting pimped out) for a wedding, and discovered the fascinating curiosity that is my suit jacket's pocket.

On the outside, my pocket appears to be completely normal, like the one in which I could carry my usual supply of half eaten candy bars, melted sticks of gum, and smack.... okay, not that last one.

However, my pocket, in reality, isn't a functioning pocket at all. I can't open it! Imagine that, a non-functioning pocket!

Well, as usual, my curiosity got the best of me, and I started to wonder how I ever ended up with a suit jacket that has a non-functioning pocket? I was determined to have this question answered, and took the liberty of inviting two experts over to debate the nature of my nonfunctional pocket. Below is the transcript of the enlightening conversation that ensued:

Peter: Good evening everyone. I would like to begin tonight's living room debate by introducing our guest experts. On my right is Dr. Cindy Fellows, a professor of evolutionary biology at Stanford University; she has been published in countless scientific journals, and is also the author of the book, "Evolution: What Part of It Don't You Creationists Understand?" Welcome Dr. Fellows.

Dr. Fellows: Thank you Peter, it's my pleasure to be here.

Peter: On my left is Dr. John Masters, the chief scientist at the Institute for Creation Research in London, England; he has been widely published in many creationist and religious journals, and has also authored the book, "Creationism: It's About God, Stupid", his rebuttal to attacks on his theories by evolutionists. Thank you for being here, Dr. Masters.

Dr. Masters: It's a great pleasure, Peter.

Peter: Well, let's get to the subject of our debate tonight (Peter produces his suit jacket from underneath the table). Let's start with you, Dr. Fellows. What can you tell me about my jacket?

Dr. Fellows: Well, Peter, this is a truly fascinating specimen. It appears to be from the last ten million years; perhaps, from the Retro-Euro Chic period.

Peter: That's exactly right. What can you tell me about the pocket.

Dr. Fellows: Hmmm, yes, this is a perfect example of suit jacket evolution. Clearly, your suit jacket originally had large pockets in it that were conducive to it's survival on the Primordial plains millions of years ago. You see, this jacket would have easily found an owner because of it's large, roomy pocket space, allowing the wearer to stash large chunks of meat and other sustenance for the trip back to the tribe's camp. The suit jacket clearly evolved these large pockets because of the attractiveness it would have given it. This suit jacket, in turn, made the wearer, who would return to camp with large amounts of meat in his pockets, very desirable for procreation among the females of the tribe.

Dr. Masters: That simply isn't right.

Peter: Why did the pockets cease to function.

Dr. Fellows: Well, clearly, the suit jacket arrived at a point where it realized that its pockets were no longer necessary to its survival; probably when it entered into a symbiotic relationship with Peter's suit pants.

Dr. Masters: (groans)

Dr. Fellows: Yes, once suit jacket met up with suit pants on the primordial plain, suit jacket realized that the spacious carrying capability of suit pants was more than enough for both of their load carrying needs; therefore, suit jacket's functional pockets gradually closed up from lack of use over several evolutionary cycles. You see, this pocket is just like the human appendix; present, but serving no purpose anymore.

Peter: What's your take, Dr. Masters?

Dr. Masters: Well, Peter, your suit jacket is clearly the product of intelligent design, and was most certainly crafted by a loving God in the image of His own suit jacket, just as God lovingly crafted you, Dr. Fellows, and myself in His own image. There is absolutely no way that something of this efficient complexity could have randomly evolved by itself. Concerning the pockets, I would contend that just because something does not readily serve a purpose in our own eyes does not mean that there couldn't be some undiscovered purpose.

Dr. Fellows: What purpose could Peter's appendix serve, Dr. Masters?

Dr. Masters: Well, for just one example, Peter could take his appendix out, put it in a jar, and display it on his desk at his place of work. This would serve the purpose of really grossing people out, and also lead them to question Peter's sanity.

Dr. Fellows: (audible groan)

Dr. Masters: But it's not just that. Have you ever considered that the suit jacket's pockets were created by God simply for cosmetic purposes? I don't find it unreasonable at all to think that God just wanted to make the suit jacket look good, and therefore, make Peter look good while he is wearing it.

Dr. Fellows: Are you implying that God wants to get Peter laid?

Dr. Masters: Dear heavens! Is that what it's always about with you evolutionists? Sex, Sex, Sex!

Dr. Fellows: Yes.

Dr. Masters: Well, alright then.

Dr. Fellows: Dr. Masters, you have nearly made my argument already. There is only one explanation for why Peter's suit jacket retained it's appearance of having pockets, and that is for reproductive success. The desire for a meat-providing male is deeply ingrained in every female of our species. When Peter shows up to a wedding reception or a party wearing his suit jacket, all the girls in the room look at it and subconsciously think to themselves, "Wow, there is a guy who can carry some meat. I really should go talk to him" Therefore, Peter's suit jacket is increasing Peter's chances for reproductive success, and as a byproduct, insuring that itself will survive as a hand-me-down with Peter's offspring for generations to come.

Peter: Would you like to respond, Dr. Masters?

Dr. Masters: Yes, Peter, I would. Have you ever seen a suit jacket without pockets, Dr. Fuller? It would look ridiculous!

Dr. Fuller: That's because evolutionary biology has ingrained that propensity in us.

Dr. Masters: Can't we simply accept the fact that God loves us all, and has created things that are pleasing to us, just for that reason? There are plenty of beautiful things in the world that do not necessarily serve a utilitarian purpose, and Peter's suit jacket is one of those things.

Peter: It appears that we're out of time. I thank you both for being here tonight.

Dr. Fellows: It was my pleasure, Peter.

Dr. Masters: A pleasure, indeed, Peter

Peter: Would you care to care to examine my suit jacket a little closer over a cocktail, Linda?

Dr. Fellows: (smiling flirtatiously) Only if you promise to wear it.

Peter: Ohhhh... I will.