Ha! You Must Jest!

Dear Friends,

Pardon the haughty laughter that is drifting through this e-mail and tickling your follicles, but I have not been able to contain myself since, earlier in this very night, I was accused of something so erroneous that I paused to contemplate whether there is a clone of of myself, an anti-Peter if you will, running around with the sole purpose of misrepresenting me.

Upon further reflection, I realized that even if this were the case, which it very well may be, the person in question (we shall call him "nameless one") who accused me has known me so long, and has enjoyed making a mockery of the very things I hold dear to my heart for so long, that it is impossible to attribute this accusation to a chance encounter with an anti-Peter snorting crack and watching pro-wrestling, or something like that. In fact, the very familiarity with which this person is acquainted with me is what has made this accusation all the more shocking, and left me laughing haughtily since it was made, several hours ago. Prepare yourselves, friends, for the rancorous accusation you are about to hear may leave such a humorous residue on your mind, that it will take everything in you not to laugh at inappropriate moments for the rest of the week. Here it is:

"Peter, you're just going to see that film because of the chick in it."

Mwah ha ha! Pardon me again! Every time I repeat this accusation its ferocious humor grows! Yes, that's right! The nameless one accused me of seeing a film exclusively because I would be basking in the presence of a pretty female's celluloid representation for two hours! Mwah ha! I feel no need to get defensive on this issue, rather, I will let the evidence testify like a prophet from the Good Book, and testify it shall!

How dost thou misread me, nameless one? Let me count the ways!

1. In video store selection! You, nameless one, have wracked up an unprecedented record of critically panned video rentals, all in the name of finding a hot chick to look at onscreen. How bad have some of these films been? All of them together would get less than one half of a cumulative star! If Roger Ebert had six hands, he would have given these movies five thumbs down... and saved one for popcorn, of course. Did I sit by and watch you make these choices? No! Why if I had done so, I would have considered it a crime against the very artistic merit I adore, and lo, the rocks would have cried out in my place! I did not remain silent, I pleaded with compelling arguments from the depth of my being against the film you desired to subject yourself too! I praised the glories of script, plot, and acting, in an effort to pull you back from the dark side, but did you listen nameless one? No!

2. In my own film selection! I am a fan of the obscure and the critically acclaimed. I enjoy pointing out that half of all action films today are based on Kurosawa's "The Seven Samurai". In fact, who was it that told you "The Last Samurai" smacked of Kurosawa, even before the critic told you? It was me, nameless one! Who was it that told you "City of Angels" was based on a German film called "Wings of Desire"? ALSO ME, NAMELESS ONE! Is it not for this affection that I hold for critically acclaimed, and often foreign films, that you mock me so often? Who mentions, every time we see an image of somebody playing chess with the grim reaper, that it is a satire of a scene from "The Seventh Seal", a Swedish film of Bergman, from 1957? YES! ME, ME, ME, NAMELESS ONE! I don't look for films that have hot girls in them, I look for films that have a two inch layer of dust ON THEM!

3. In levels of cinematic voyeurism! Do you, nameless one, think that I would spend eight dollars and twenty-five cents, simply to have the celluloid representation of a comely young woman glowing in front of me for two hours? THERE ARE COMELY YOUNG WOMEN IN REAL LIFE, NAMELESS ONE! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT SOMETIME! Why, I saw several today, and I wasn't even looking for them! Do you think I, a home schooled son of a pastor, and former balloon sculptor, would need to pay eight dollars just to see a lovely.... um, okay, we're not going to take that train into the terminal. Anyway, there are lovely girls everywhere, nameless one! I don't need to go to the cinema to see them!

SUCH IS PETER, NAMELESS ONE!

Pardon the rant, but when someone who is so close to me launches such a ridiculous accusation at me, I take it as a personal affront, and prepare to defend my name in public! Why? Because I try to never entertain self-delusions concerning me, whether they are held by myself or others; the one exception would be that one where I've retired to Provence, and spend all of my time writing Pulitzer Pize winning novels, while my girlfriend, a former French model who has given up her career to drape herself over me full time, stands behind me rubbing my back; that delusion is beautiful, and I'm not giving it up, enlightened self awareness be damned.

All the best,

Peter