I See London, I See France.... (Pt. 2)

I See London, I See France... (Pt. 2) - "The Coronation Spoon!"

Hey everyone!

I realize that it has been awhile since Part 1 of this tale was sent out, a shrewd move on my part designed to build anticipation expectation up to such an outrageous level that I can't help but fail to fulfill it. Why is this a good thing? I don't know, but it seemed like a good idea while I was delaying the release of Part 2.

Okay, in reality, I was busy eating turkey leftovers for the past week and a half, and as a result of that certain chemical in the bird, have been nearly comatose since Thanksgiving Day. Yes, that's my excuse.

Anyway, here I am, live and.... er, I mean, in digitized literary form, and twelve point black font. Hmmm, doesn't quite have the same ring.
At the end of Part 1, I was at my hotel in Earl's Court (southwest London), sleeping off a nasty case of temporal whiplash. Well, I did eventually wake up, and felt wild and crazy enough to buy an unlimited subway pass and go wandering.

My first stop that evening was the Tower of London, where I began to hatch my plan to commit a truly hideous crime, like walking on the grass near Buckingham Palace, to get myself locked up in the Tower for a few days. Regrettably, the status level of criminal activity required for free admission to the tower of London has been increasing the last few centuries. Let's just say that the last man held at the Tower of London was a Nazi war criminal. So, I resigned myself to the fact that I would not have the opportunity to refer to "that time I was locked in the Tower of London".

It was getting near nightfall, so I wandered over to Trafalgar Square, and then Picadilly Circus, where I saw half the population of the earth. Okay, so maybe it wasn't half, but I'm willing to guess it was one eighth... yes, packed indeed.

I stayed in London for a total of four days. The following are some highlights:

1. The Imperial War Museum:
This place promises "All the war you can handle, or your money back." Or, at least, it should. The UK has been in a lot of wars.... yes, a lot of wars, and as a result, this museum is quite extensive, having displays on everything from the Boer War, to WWII, to the British Invasion; the latter of these conflicts, of course, having the best soundtrack.

The Imperial War Museum is a truly impressive, even boasting a recreated World War I trench, and an interactive exhibit called the Blitz Experience, and no, it does not replicate that moment when you've had too much to drink and discover you can't see, but rather, is a quite convincing replica of London under bombardment.

The eerily realistic World War I trench reinforced what I already knew; that at six foot five, I would have been screwed in a trench that was about six feet, three inches deep, unless, of course, I had developed a fondness for walking like Quasimodo. Food for thought.

Anyway, I highly recommend the Imperial War Museum, because it's a fascinating place, and a fitting tribute to the British fighting man.

2. The Tower of London:
Yes, I finally resigned to buying myself a ticket, and very much enjoyed the Tour of "La Tour" (tee hee hee) first started by William the Conquerer way back when. Regrettably, Guillaum was not in that day, so I was unable to visit with him; but I enjoyed the storytelling of the Yeoman Warder, who made it his duty to frighten all of the children in the group with stories of imprisonment, torture, and all around unpleasantness.

Eventually, the tour ended, and I decided to take a good look at the family jewels, --insert perverted jokes here-- And frankly, I was stunned by the shere shininess of them all. I haven't seen that many shiny objects since I got a bag of chocolate coins last Christmas.

The collection contained lots of crowns, sceptors, and one outrageously ornate spoon. THE CORONATION SPOON! I stared at this spoon for some time, wondering what in the world it was used for. Is it used to serve the Coronation Punch from the Coronation Punch Bowl, or something like that?

Drawing on my limited knowledge of Monarchical affairs, I have come to one conclusion; the Coronation Spoon must serve the same purpose that Excalibur did in Arthurian Legend, so that the true chosen leader of England is discovered by seeing who can balance the Coronation Spoon on their nose. Granted, not quite as dramatic as pulling a sword from a stone, but effective, all the same.

3. Saint Paul's Cathedral:
Sir Christopher Wren understood light like a talented director, and it shows in this magnificient structure. And if the structure doesn't impress you, Nelson and Wellington are in the basement! That's right, folks! Nelson and Wellington, in the crypt! The two British heroes of the Napoleonic Wars are right there.

For a little amusement, try standing by Wellington's tomb, quietly mumbling in French with a disgruntled voice about the Little General and the glory of the old empire.

4. Grenwich:
Here, one can visit the the charming town, as well as the Royal Observatory, which is located on a large hill overlooking the city. The park on the hill is a great place to have a picnic overlooking London, or drink oneself into a stupor and fall asleep on one of its many benches. I tried the former, and not the latter, but I'm sure its quite charming as well. After dinner, I amused myself with repeatedly jumping over the Grenwhich Mean timeline, which is, literally, a line eminating from the Royal Observatory.

5. Parliment:
Remarkably, the chambers of parliment are even slightly smaller than they look on C-Span (no I did not just admit to watching C-Span), which results in you being in a perfect position to hurl masked insults at your opponents, like "I believe the gentleman is becoming tired and emotional", which apparently, is the same as calling somebody a drunk.

6. Getting Lost In London in the Middle of the Night:
On my last night in London, I had a splendid dinner with my friend Ellie, and a couple of her cool friends up in northeastern London; Islington, to be exact.

Then, I discovered that it was about 1:30 in the morning, and the only way I was going to get back, all the way across London, was by riding the night buses... and to find a night bus, I had to go to King's Cross station. Of course, King's Cross immediately set off alarms in my head, because pretty much every tour book I've ever read says to stay away from King's Cross at night.

However, I was heartened, because it wasn't night, it was 1:30 in the morning. So, I put on my sternest and most intimidating stare (don't laugh, I really do have one.... okay, I don't), and then set off towards the station. I was sure it would be fine as long as I didn't wander on to any small, poor lit roads.... which, I did, of course, almost immidiately.

Eventually, I found my way back to the station, and then attempted to translate the schedule into language I could understand. I really needed some sort transportational Rosetta Stone for this part, but lacking one, I made do.

I discovered a bus that went to Victoria (generally, in the right direction), and hopped on. Well, about 45 minutes later, I arrived at the station, and discovered that (thanks to a very friendly station employee) that I needed to pick up a different bus back at Hyde Park Corner. So, I jumped on a bus and made my way back there.

However, once I caught the bus there, I somehow ended up going the wrong direction, and after some minutes, discovered that I was in Piccadilly Circus (the opposite direction of may hotel).

Frustrated at my inability to find my way back to the hotel, I got off the bus, curled up into the fetal position, and started sucking on my thumb. I mean, why not sleep in the gutter and just pick up the subway in a few hours?

Well, I finally decided that I didn't really want to sleep in the gutter, and hopped on a bus back to Hyde Park Corner, and eventually got back to my hotel, at about 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning. I have to say, it was one of the best times I've ever had getting lost (grin!), and actually gave me the chance to see a large part of the city in the wee hours of the morning.

Ironically, after a few hours of sleep, I had to catch a train..... at King's Cross Station! However, it was much easier with the tube runnning.

Next up: "Lead me to Leeds!"

Peter