Gentlman Prefer Being Blond

Dear friends,

I categorically deny ever bleaching my hair. I categorically deny ever sticking any foreign substance in my hair besides shampoo, conditioner, and the occasional wad of gum when I was five.

In light of this, what on God's green earth is going on with my hair? Suddenly, I've started fielding questions about the red highlights, and all-together auburn coloring of my hair! At first I laughed it off, and then looked in the mirror to discover that I've gone platinum blond! Okay, maybe not platinum blond, but my hair is usually black; maybe not as not as black as Edgar Allen Poe's soul, but still pretty black. It's been that way for years, so imagine my shock when I looked in the mirror and saw my hair turning chestnut brown. Woah.

Of course, I searched my mind, my soul, and my shampoo for answers as to what may be causing this strange anomaly, and in the end, I found my answer; my hair has been bleached by the massive amount of rays I've been catching the past month. Yes, that's right, folks, as we all know, it's been incredibly warm and sunny here the last month, and I must have soaked up more of those rays than I realized. It's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Okay, so I guess since we haven't seen the sun in two months, it's not that. Another possibility is that the high tension wires I live by are gradually causing my DNA to mutate; changes that will culminate in me being cast out from normal society, and force me to take refuge with other mutants who have suffered the same fate... and had their hair change color too.

Of course, my mind was occupied by this plethora of possibilities for several days, until I recently discovered that a bottle of hydrogen peroxide was missing from the bathroom... a bottle that looks just like the spray bottle I occasionally use on my hair. Ummmmmm, yeah. Dang.

In unrelated news, we are all celebrating the release of the film "Hostel", which will probably have the positive effect of increasing the paranoia that many Americans already feel towards foreign travel. I haven't seen the film, but apparently it involves American backpackers traveling to Slovakia in search of amorous adventures, only to find themselves being locked up and tortured.

Let me set things straight, friends, I was in Slovakia for a whole five days last summer, and I was only tortured once. I forgot to pay the twenty-five cent usage fee for the shower. Anyway, by all means, travel to Slovakia, and encourage your friends to do the same! It's cool! And not all of us go there looking for love; I was looking for surplus Soviet plutonium.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go shopping for hats,

Peter