How I Reached Fourth Base

Dear friends,

I'm happy to announce that after many years spent trying to reach second base, and countless more years trying to simply locate third, I bypassed them both and went strait to fourth base with my cousin. Uhhhhh.....

By Fourth Base, of course, I mean the name of the bar on National Avenue in Milwaukee that we were hanging out in with Tim, my cousin, a few weeks ago. Tim was in Milwaukee on business, and invited us to come wander the city with him, rustling up whatever trouble was to be found on a Wednesday night... and trouble, thy name is whiskey. Usually I don't make a habit of partying on weeknights, but it just so happens that Wednesday nights are when I usually stay home, hit the bottle, and brood away the night anyway; so, I figured, why not just go out and brood with company?

Wandering around Milwaukee on a weeknight isn't the only way I've entertained myself in the past week; I've also dug a couple of holes that I'm quite proud of. My parents needed a couple of trees replaced in their backyard, and they called on me to get the job done. For some reason, perhaps because I did a large portion of it after dark, I could not shake the feeling that I was engaged in some nefarious activity; the only thing missing was frost on the ground, a body wrapped in an oriental rug, and me, mumbling the lyrics to some obscure country music song about deceit and betrayal.

Several weeks after the capture of Al Zarqawi, while talking heads endlessly discuss the significance of the event, I am still haunted by one nagging question; Mary Kay, or Avon? Anyone who saw the post-mortem photos of the man knows that, apparently, the cosmetic industry is alive and booming in post-Saddam Iraq. Personally, my guess is Mary Kay, because while Avon can do wonders to compliment a face that still exists, only Mary Kay sells the foundation that can erase the effects of a bomb blast in close proximity. Obviously, the fact that the Mary Kay syndicate is extending into Iraq should come as no surprise to us. As we speak, the streets of Baghdad are probably clogged with pink Cadillac Devilles, clad in aftermarket armor.

This begs the question, since the ranks of Mary Kay are difficult to infiltrate in the United States, how much more difficult are they to infiltrate in Iraq? What do you suppose it costs just to get in the door? The head of an Avon salesperson in a burlap sack? I predict that the Fedayeen Al Mary Kay will emerge as the new force to be reckoned with in Iraq.

Regards,

Peter