Friend Visitation Rights

Friend Visitation Rights


Dear friends, there is treachery afoot. In this land of John Locke inspired government, where we proclaim an individual's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of property (the fact that the founding fathers changed the last word to “happiness” isn't fooling anybody; I mean, isn't “happiness” a piece of dirt you can call your own anyway?), our proprietary rights are being suppressed and threatened as we speak! As I write these very words, the guiding principals of our republic our being menaced by those who would seek to deny us the very rights that constitute the fabric of our great country.

I refer, of course, to that most insidious of social anarchists... the romantic interloper. It is you, romantic interloper, who monopolizes our friends' time, and deprives us of the pleasure that their presence brings us; it is you, who tears asunder the labors of extended platonic friendship with your sweet nothings and appalling attentiveness! Well, NO MORE, romantic interloper! We will no longer have our rights be denied! Anne Marie and I have decided that a resolution must be drafted to keep our rights, those privileges guaranteed to us by the Constitution and natural law, from being degraded any further. All of our friends with significant others will be required to sign the following document:


WHEREAS, in the year of our Lord, two-thousand and seven, Peter and Anne Marie have declared their inalienable rights to persons with whom they claim amicable relations

WHEREAS, Peter and Anne Marie have provided overwhelming evidence in support of the claim that they maintained amicable relations with said persons well before romantic interloper entered into relations with them; evidence of these amicable relations include weekend outings to local nightspots, sporting event attendance, and the occasional night of board games

WHEREAS, The Bill Of Rights guarantees security of person and possessions

WHEREAS, the supreme court verdict in the case of “Cheryl Lamkin Vs. The New Boyfriend Of My Best Friend, Who Takes Up All Of Her Time So That She Can't Like, Hang Out At The Mall With Me Anymore, And Stuff” supports the proprietary claim of Peter and Anne Marie

WHEREAS, Peter And Anne Marie demand visitation rights with their attached friends a minimum of one weekend per month

WHEREAS, this document applies to all romantic interests, including casual, steady, serious, and yes, even THE ONE

WHEREAS, Peter and Anne Marie assert that, one weekend a month spent with them will certainly not strain friend's relations with romantic interloper, and will still allow plenty of time for mushy stuff like kissing, holding hands, and calling each other pet names

THEREFORE, it is declared that Peter and Anne Marie have the right to demand at least one weekend of visitation with their friends per month, and that they posses all rights pertaining to such visits, such as the right to consume alcoholic beverages with them, watch movies with them, etc.


Copies of this legally binding document will be distributed among our friends,

Peter